Yeah, I am blog happy. That's what happens when you can't think of anything worthwhile to do. I guess I could have gone trigger-happy, but that probably wouldn't have ended well.
Be thankful for the things you have.
Anyways, here is some more insanity. This time, it's about the problems of the life I am trying to lead. More specifically, it involves a certain somebody. That special someone.
Way back to a year I can't remember (somewhere in middle school), I was on the neighborhood swim team, and I was expected to get along with my fellow swimmers.
That sort of happened, but then it got strange. Eventually, we had a "noodle-war," essentially using those styrofoam floaters as weapons of beatingness. Then that escalated into a full-out pool war, in which everything water related was allowed. Water-balloons, Super Soakers, noodles, even inner-tubes.
Soon after that escalation, it plunged into a "massacre" in which I was the outcasted soldier and everybody was out to get me. I was the renegade. And I held my own.
I used everything I could to repel the invading army of vicious swimmers. I bombarded them with water grenades (balloons), whipped out a super soaker, sprayed them until I was out, and then I was left with a noodle to defend myself. After several thrusts, I eventually grabbed another one off some five year old, and I had two to defend myself with.
Out of the entire swim team, only one stood out. She was the biggest threat to my survival, and it was very weird that I sort of feared her prowness on the field. It turned into a duel for the death, and I got carried away, and I smacked her hard. Immediately after that whole incident, I felt really really bad, and I didn't go to any swim practices for the next few days.
The reason was, I absolutely loved this girl, but it was like a Hey Arnold kind of thing. I didn't want to reveal that at all, so I pretended to despise her. Every day, I thought up of ways to come out clean, but I never really carried them out, because I was so concerned about what the others would think of me. I was really a stupid lad.
Anyways, later on that summer, she moved away. Back then, I had no idea why she would do such a thing, and being the stupid kid I was, I thought it was all my fault. I felt more than miserable for the next few weeks, and then school started. That was the year in which I got hit by a car and I got the ticket for it, but that's another story.
Let's see, back on topic.
So several years pass, and it got around to sophomore year. Back then, I had a Myspace (oh god). I was almost a natural junkie; was on everyday after band, and was friending people I knew.
Out of nowhere, I get a friend request, along with this message from **Irish Dancer** or something like that. So I take a look at this message, and I just about had a heart attack. There she was, the girl that got away. I always remember that day, because that was the real reason why I kept going along with marching band, so I could claim that I actually did things school-related. That's the real reason why I actually enjoyed sophomore year, because I finally re-established contact.
So she finally re-entered my life, and she was living in the suburbs of Phoenix, AZ. She told me about her daily activities, and I told her about what was going on over here, and we really enjoyed talking to each other. Well, at least I did. I don't know about her...
It's funny, we might have seen each other before that, when I was down there for my brother's birthday party with his friends. Apparently, our flight got in just before she was leaving for Colorado, and we were in the same terminal and everything. We could have passed each other, and we didn't recognize each other. It was very odd, because in a way, I felt a certain tinge in the air that was completely out of the norm for me. I dismissed it as being in a new city, but there was always that nagging doubt.
Anyways, so we finally met up again online. We chatted practically every day, and I gradually learned more and more about her. Then, the day I would always cherish came.
We sat down at our respective computers, and she said that she was looking at my Myspace. I asked her what that meant, and she said that she was putting the pieces together. I didn't know what she was talking about (still don't), but it wasn't what I was thinking at all. I came clean, and told her that I've always liked her, maybe more than that. Long hesitation, and I felt like I really screwed up. Then she threw me a message that completely caught me off-guard....she felt exactly the same way.
The conversations escalated, and it soon felt like I was floating. We were having long conversations on the phone, on AIM, on everything we could use to stay in contact. Everything was going well....
It started with Myspace (ouch). I have always felt really bad about this, possibly the thing that changed me. I felt like being a total pest, kind of invading her life when she was hundreds of miles away. So I quit. I quit Myspace. I quit to avoid being any more of a pest to her, and she didn't really have much of a clue what happened. I left her in the dark.
We started losing contact with each other, and eventually, we did completely. This was about junior year, that summer. So I was left at home, wondering why I was such a dick, why I acted the way I did. I assumed it was completely my fault. And I still think that.
Then she showed up a few days before the Fourth of July. Everybody but my dad and I were out, and we were left at home. I was playing Guitar Hero, mindlessly strumming to the notes displayed on the screen. The doorbell rang. My dad went to answer it, and when I heard her mother's voice, I panicked. I quickly grabbed a shirt from the laundry, and I raced up to the door.
All I could say was, "Hey, I know you..." I felt as if my tone was overly aggressive, kind of hasty, and possibly kind of mean. I practically stared her down in the doorway. I think I made her very uncomfortable.
They left quickly after that meeting.
I kicked myself over and over for that little incident. I hated myself for a long time there. Dad tried to say something to help me out, but nothing seemed to work until he mentioned they might show up at the neighborhood festivities on the Fourth.
I thought to myself. "Woo, second chance!"
I cleaned myself up, did all my chores, did everything I could do to stay home that day. Everybody said, "You can't stay home, you have to go to Greeley with us!"
My sister was in Masonic Band Camp, so they felt obligated to see that parade.
I told them to go without me. This is worth more than anything else I could ever dream up of. Haha I even told them that if they were going to Disneyland, I would stay home because she was worth every second of it, whereas if I went to Disneyland, I would regret it forever.
I regretted it regardless.She never showed. I went to the festival. She wasn't there. It wasn't until later that night that I learned that she wasn't even in the neighborhood. Hell, she wasn't even in the city.
She was home.
Another year passes, and I felt like total shit. I finally found her on Facebook, and like the Myspace thing, it started out good. But there was a new catch. She already got herself a boyfriend, and that just crushed me. I knew it was going to happen, and I even prepared myself for it, but it still came as a crushing blow to me. I'm still recovering to this day, and once again, we are at a point where we never talk anymore, aside from the one-time messages or status comments.
Every day, I wonder how she is doing. I wonder if she is doing well, and I always try to find a way to even just visit Phoenix in hopes I might see her.
I wish that I could just bring up a conversation just like that, and God knows I've tried, but every time I try, it falls flat on it's face. Even the most neutral messages don't get a response.
For the past few months, I've been trying to keep my mind off her. I want to somehow erase this pain from my head.
I tried chasing after alternate interests, and that worked to some extent. But when those fell apart, my mind immediately returned to her.
Yeah...
I think I've gone on for more than long enough.
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